The hardest part of expectance is the next step. ‘Where to from here?’ that lingers on the tip of you tongue and is being held back by the thinest wires that connect to your mind and heart. Sometimes these wires are twisted and entrusted in one another but sometimes they have signals of their own. We chose to balance and yet sometimes we have no choice but to fall. In some ways it gives us a better understanding of our limits. Gravity physically and emotionally brings us back to earth. It allows us to seek our flaws within ourselves and motivate us to mend. I was recently told that majority of people can list many things that they see as flaws within themselves but once you ask them the positives, we find it hard to even begin. What I find even harder is the ‘Where to from here?’ once you have laid the worst of yourself in front of you, what’s the next step. I realised today that I have allowed my words to sit on the tip of my tongue for so long that i have forgotten how to say them. I have forgotten to release because i have become so afraid of the next step. Although i have projected feeling and emotion, I have not allowed the thought to truly feel the inside. I have created the sorrow and the pain I am suffering because I believed I understood the words I could speak rather than the words I held. Swallowing each and every sentence of relief rather than settling and letting go. I have a tightening feeling in my chest and a stomach continuously full of so many words that I cannot eat without feeling ill. I have made my body physically sick with pain I have created because I cannot understand what I truly desire. I am on my hands and knees seeking for the crisp answers in the misty waters. Searching for something to take me back or to hold on tight to. I am searching for the answers and the words that come from within that will take me on the journey I need to go.
(Source: anotic, via il-cieloeinfinito)